sometimes in life, you can never expect what good or bad things would come. afraid everyone should be. i know i am. i was so afraid today. my heart was beating so fast. i think it even missed a beat or two. i just dont know what would actually happen to me. im afraid of every single thing. i just cant take what is coming at me right now. everything may be moving slow, but i assume it will go faster soon. i dont want to make the same mistakes twice. but the problem is, i dont know what those mistakes are.

i cant seem to find a safe house for me to go to when im this down. unfortunately for me, sy took the car to watch a movie with sarah and mode. if the car was here, i would have gone to the bar. i dont think i can take it anymore. im becoming an alcoholic.

all the little things in life. all the little sweets in life. all the bitter things in life. all i have tasted. all i have felt. all i have fell into its trap. i dont want to play any silly games anymore. i just want to be loved the normal way. the way everyone else is. how she and he will tell each other little sweet things into each others ears. sigh. im so depressed right now. i feel like nothing helps anymore. one bad breakup and im screwed for life. thats how i see myself. thats how everyone else sees me. what a failure. what a loser. what a hopeless case.

rick.

and yet again, derrick succeeds in getting a free drink! hehehe. the bartender, which was farah gave my drinking session free of charge. she's like the best person right now. wait, no! the best person would be "her" then next to her is farah. she was like telling me why is there so many people on a monday. joe wasnt there though. it was his day off. so yeah. a new bartender which gave sucky drinks. farah was suppose to make me the long island iced tea that she loved but she was too busy cashering around two stations. she was running back and forth. poor girl. barely spoke to her. but when i did, wonderful conversations all the time. it was like, getting to know someone you never knew existed.

i met this ang moh guy. he was kind enough to buy me a shot of margarita. which wasnt kick at all. was like sweet all the way. hahaha. talked to him a bit and he left for his "sarong party" girl. hahha rather hilarious watching people like that. everytime i go to that bar, i see prostitutes. MALE prostitutes! i will always remember joe from my class saying "tulen ni bang!" pointing at "his" tits. hahahaha in english, means that "its real!" hahahaha god, damn prostitutes!! oh well, everyone has to make a living right? yeah.

going off to bed soon. chit chat with the gang at home first. nites ya'll. have a great day and i hope my life insipires you little ones out there!! hahahah ... right.

rick.

you never expect the most smallest thing in life. when it happens, it happens. i really didnt expect any of it to happen. i really didnt. i didnt even want it to happen. but its just ... i dont know.

todays class was restaurant practical. we had a function on in the restaurant. it was this high school from malacca. so yeah. we served 63 pax. rather interesting i might add. so yeah, served the 16 out of the 63 pax. they were mostly malays. MALAYS!! omg...kat and i were already making fun of them when they walked in. we were like, omg, wanton soup! hahaha. both of us laughed and then got back to serving. i was the captain for my table so i had to fire all the food. rather fun though running up and down.

after everything ended, the guest were leaving. so one of this girl which i served and talked to most of the time asked for my number! i was like whoaaa ... i never had anyone asking for my number before. so yeah. i was like, ummmmm ... okayyy ... 0 - 1 - 2 - 8 - 0 - 7 ... ei ... i forgot. hahahah then one of her friends was like, (translated from malay) if like that, your lying already la. then i was like, ok ok, you give me your number. so i got her number and said goodbye, when she left, i just cancelled the number. if was so embarassing having kids asking for my number! a few of my classmates saw me and were laughing their asses OFF!! sigh. oh well. id only go for older women. never in my life would i date a malay nor screw a malay. =) im mean in my own little ways. racist? yes im. thank you.

oh well. i feel like drinking again. i really do. i think im going down to the bar to get a few drinks and then head home. nites peeps. ima drink the night away instead. =)

rick.

yesterday was intense. i actually got up at 6am. only two hours of sleep. picked widad up and we went for breakfast at mcd's. after that off we go to college. we had breakfast in the car and poof comes samir and the gang. with him was eve and nick. we didnt really mind them annoying us but it was all fun and jokes. so we continued eating our breakfast. later we went up to the kitchen and got a briefing and off to work. so we started around 8am and finished around 10pm. we made 3000 packages. i felt like i was in this factory, just putting in the labels and ribbon and then closing it with the lid. i did that for hours. but before that of cause i went around to help everyone.

so yeah. the whole day was tiring. even with that, i even had time to spend time with her. it was really a random thing but what happened, actually happened. i was surprised. so yeah.

after everything was done, a few of us went to the mamak and had some drinks. after that, i sent widad home and came home. i was feeling all confused and all when i got home. it was because i didnt expect anything to happen yesterday. i didnt expect anything. i was really out of my mind. all i could think of was, go to the bar i went to on friday. so i went, alone.

the bartender, which was both of them, farah and joe was there again. so they recognized me and asked what i wanted to drink after seeing me sitting down not having a drink yet. so i ordered a bottle of beer to quence my thrist for alcohol. after downing the whole bottle, i asked the bartender to give me something strong, just like what i said on friday. i said i didnt want the graveyard anymore because that was a little too strong, so he gave me an ak-47. rather interesting drink i might add. so while sitting there, the bartenders were nice people. farah even asked how old i was. i told her my real age and then i asked for hers. she's 23. then later, out of the blue, she told me that she was surprised of my age. then i asked her how old do i look then? she told me the same as her. i was like, dont worry, i get that alot.

so after that 2nd drink, i ordered another. told joe i wanted a not so strong cocktail but good. i got him thinking for awhile. hahahaha he like ummmmm ... ummmmm ... then i told him to take his time and think about it. after serving a few drink to the customers, he finally thought of something and that something was farah's favourite drink. i couldnt remember the name though. so yeah. tasted it and damn ... it tasted better than the ak-47. then farah suddenly came up with a drink in her hand, wanting to cheers with me, i held up my cup and said thank you. she then said the last drink was on her. i was like, why thank you very much! so then i just sat there until they closed the bar. farah come outside and sat next to me. she lighted a ciggarette. i wanted to say, "ooh, sigup jugaaa" but wasnt that keen on asking it. so yeah, we talked for quite awhile. didnt know how long we talked because of the amount of alcohol slowly kicking in but it was long. shes such a nice person to talk to. in and out of the bar. so yeah. when she was about to go do something inside the club, she shook my hand and said, nice to meet you, hope to see you again. i smiled at her and said, dont worry, you'll see me soon. she gave me this sweet smile that i've been waiting for since friday and left.

after a few minutes sitting down and sobering up, i told joe i was going back. shook his hand and said goodbye. he asked me to drive carefully. im like, ill try! and both of us laughed. the drive home was kinda ok. but if i was stopped by the cops, i would have most probably gone to jail. i was kinda tipsy tipsy but still could think. when i got home, sy came out of his room and asked if i was ok. i told him something ... i couldnt remember, but i remembered i didnt mumble. he told me he couldnt make out what i was saying but the last few words, good night. hahahah

so yeah. the weekends were hectic. i loved it. i enjoyed it. i barely had any sleep on both days. i dont really care anymore. i just want to live life and forget about my silly past. my past is just stopping me from moving forward. now it shall stay forgotten and never to be opened. i hate my past.

ill be gone for the weekdays. bye bye.

rick.

i flew over a big ass curb on the way back from depressed drinking. i was almost 90 degrees. i almost died. it didnt really matter if im still here or not. if i was still here writing this stupid little blog. i met new friends at the bar in beach club. it was rather interesting. talked to this girl for quite awhile. then a few guys that came and went. i guess im rather social now.

id rather die from that car crash than be here writing this. i feel like shit. today was sy's birthday. everything went well until i saw my ex and her new boyfriend. he shaved his head bald. so fucknig what. i dont care. i took a glance at pik and just smiled and walked away. while doing that, i also took a short glance at her. i didnt want to see her. but i did. the look on her face just melted me. i went straight to the stairway where we fought on my birthday. i was banging the wall and almost banged my head on the wall. i dont know what made me felt that way. maybe i just missed her too much. maybe i wanted to see her more ... just alone ... not with anyone else. just her. but unfortunately i saw him as well. he took the dignity to actually smile at me. fuck him. i dont give a fuck if he smiled or not. he fucking tried to take away my ex away from me when i was with her. there is a code somewhere among men that we know. never to steal another mans woman. fuck ass. i dont care if she reads this or not. i really dont. she can hate me all she wants. i wouldnt give a rats ass. i really hate his guts as he flirts with her constantly and seduce her with his stupid little things. id rather die than see him again.

i dont understand what is wrong with me. these few days i was alright. well, almost alright. then this day had to come. i knew it would come but i didnt expect it to come today. i knew i would see her and him one day. just both of them. they would be probably fucking right now knowing how horny my ex would be. no condoms, no strings attached. just fuck. i did that and the worst had to happen. i dont give a fuck about him. i give a fuck about her. i really do.

rick.

today was the first time i ever cried in college. it felt so bad. i went to a secluded area and just cried my eyes out. i couldnt take it anymore. i was thinking of her the whole day today. how was she, what was she doing, was she having more fun with him than me, is she safe, have she been treated well, and all of the little things. i was afraid. i was afraid of moving on. this by far has been the worst breakup in my whole life. eventhough i consider this as my first love, i still take it as an average relationship. all the relationships i had before, nothing compares to what i went through with her. nothing.

it was the best 2005 that i would never forget. the memories, the feelings, the time we spent together, the love we shared together and the amount of love i gave her. i gave her my heart and soul, but she just burnt them into dust. i've always dreamed of a perfect relationship that i would have. i thought that perfect relationship was her. she was the emptiness that fulfilled me. she made me whole. but i was dead wrong. she made me feel like i was on top of the world when she wanted me to. at the end, i fell back down on my knees begging for forgiveness, something that i've done no wrong to. i just felt that i was wrong, but didnt know what was the reason. i just wanted her to be happy.

today, i almost got into a fight with my classmate. he was pissing me off. luckily for him i held my cool and didnt ask him to take it outside. i didnt care if i won the fight or not, its to let loose my anger. either on the floor bleeding or standing up tall with my head held high.

there is a weakness in my eyes that everyone can see. once they see it, they make use of my weakness. they play little games that make me so hurt, but they wouldnt know. just because. i was born with a deformility. i rather not say what it is. it would just pull me lower as where i already stand. only God and i know what it is. only God and i shall share this secret.

finding places to hide in college is rather hard nowadays. everyone seems to be everywhere. i cant seem to find a safehouse anymore. i just wish i could run away from where im. i give up. i give up on everything. once a failure, always a failure. theres nothing this stupid little boy can do about it. nothing.

rick.

sigh. i dont know why i get what i get. this feeling inside me just doesnt want to go away. yes, everyone has their ups and downs. but mine is constantly down. well, most of the time down. its just there. something out there is triggering it. i think its just me who is the weird ass one. i feel like im so fucked up at times. nothing helps anymore.

weird. i hate it. screw it.

tomorrow nutrition exam and F&B presentation. prepared for F&B but not for nutrition. i hate science. it sucks. im just scared of failing my term 2. i mean, i wouldnt want to waste my time and retake term 2 again. no way. im studying as hard as i can now. slacking is out of the question. shit.

i hate me. i am going out of my mind.

rick.

isnt it a little ironic that i get to be congratulated? for what? i dont know. by whom? my ex. she just splurge things at me at times. i wasnt available at the time when she messaged me on msn. i was watching the davinci code with the gang. rather controversial movie. liked it but ending sucked.

today was a really tiring day. i'd rather not talk about today as im dead beat. its 5.30am and im not asleep yet. the movie finished at 3+am. jaiv got a flat tire, so we helped him out, went back home, did final touch ups on my work, hang my clothes and now its 5.30am. time flies.

today, im rather speechless. even though i know i have much to say but my hands doesnt want to type that much. oh well ... going to bed now. waking up in two hours. sigh.

i wish i knew what she congratulated me for. im confused. really confused.

rick.

sometimes its just hard to figure things out. its just so pathetic i cant do anything right in life. im stressing out over nothing and it makes me go crazy. its like a mental breakdown. once in awhile it happens and when it happens ... its bad. its just so bad you'll probably just run for cover. i just want to die right now. its like mood swings. good one day, bad one day. sigh. its bad. this time its really bad. i dont like this feeling at all.

college was hell today. kitchen practical. i was the chef of the day and i had to run left right up down. getting the food ready for the college restaurant and all. it was just so intense. i couldnt take it. thank God i didnt blow infront of the whole class. i went to a quiet place to explode. little tears came out but it was all good. im still stressed over it. i dont know why. its just so bad. i feel so useless sometimes i feel like i always need someone next to me to guide me. like i can never do anything right in life. i feel like dying. die.

we all have a future. for me? i feel like i do ... but it wouldnt be a really good one. it would be full of ups and downs. the constant happiness and sadness at one go. never be one feeling very long. just ... mixed feelings throughout my life. i still do think of her. its so hard to let go. its just so hard.

i hate me. weird? why? try looking in the mirror everyday only to find a failure infront of you.

rick.

i have finally freed myself from this anguish. this disturbance i get. most of them are out of my system. i have to fight just a little longer for all of it to be gone. i thank my lucky stars i am what i am today. i feel like a free man. i feel a big burden lifted off my chest. all thanks to a 21 year old singaporean. she helped me through my hard times, she loved me so dearly as a friend when i was so down, she was there for me whenever i was down, i love her strength for support me even though her problems are much worse than mine. she always told me that a problem is a problem, we cant differentiate it even if we want to. she told me alot of things.

lately, i have been filling up my time with all the little things to do. i helped out in college, finding a new job, most probably the nearest starbucks, making dessert and dinner for the gang, and so on. one thing im not so keen on is my love life. yes, my love life. i'd rather not go into a relationship now, knowing that it would only make neither party happy. im just too afraid of the outcome of it. i know, everyone would say that you cant predict what would come and just trust. trust. trust has been the hardest thing for me since my breakup. how could i trust another human being when the person i loved so dearly is untrustable? its just hard for me to live with that fact. i took the wrong path and now im learning to deal with it. it just takes alot of time to get over things like this.

i made cream caramel for everyone last night. they enjoyed it. sarah and sy helped. a simple and easy dessert anyone can make. so yeah. sy told me that i should cook at home more often. so yeah, cooking on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. then pastries will be days when im free or whenever anyone feels like eating desserts. i do have an ice cream book!! =)

so yeah. lifes been doing me good. =)
i have gone back to my eating habit and sy is surprised. hahaha he was like, "you could really eat yesterday". hahaha i didnt even realize i ate so much. getting my weight back to its normal state. maybe a little bigger like 70-75 kg and then tone it up. yeahhh baby!! =P

so yeah ... im almost getting over everything. i love my freedom.

one thing that makes me more and more amazed about you is the power of your endless support for me. thank you. D.

rick.

i could consider i slept last night. even though it was just a couple hours of shut eye, i called it sleep. so yeah. last night was weird. really weird.

was late this morning to pick widad. she was like calling and asking where am i! hahaha it was pretty funny la. after that, we reached college. coincidently, samir was there too. so all of us went to the college restaurant for our briefing. rather interesting.

did nothing but stood there and smile. after the whole thing, i almost got screwed but i didnt. i was spared!! yay. hahaha after that, we had class. so i was so tired, i slept through class. after geography, we had maths test. i thought it would be damn hard. so i did excersises. when the paper came on to my desk, i finished it in 5-9 mins and widad earlier. both of us was like looking at each other funny. so she whispered where am i going, i whispered back mamak. so both of us went down and had a drink.

after that i headed to ming tien. jaivin, mode, sarah and sy was already there eating. so i met them there. after that, we went to the pet shop. omg, i fell in love with the shihtzu!! it was so cuteeeeeee!! i sooooooooo want it!! the dark haired one was like loving meee sooo muchhhh!!! eeee!! hahahahah okayy....

so after that we went to one u to shop. everyone got something except sarah. sy got a new long sleave shirt, mode got a new bag and i got 2 new shirts and 1 sunglasses. yay!! after walking around we went to tesco to get dinner. sarah cooked beef curry&soup, sy cooked fried long beans, mode cooked rice and i was suppose to make dessert but was too tired. so yeah.

im so tired now. going to sleep. cant take it anymore. eyes going to be like ... zombified.

rick.

i know what im now. im nocturnal! couldnt sleep last night. was a terrible night. everything went wrong. nothing went right. i knew it was going to happen from the start. that was why i wanted to end it as quickly as possible without sparking anything. but i guess i was just to stubborn to stop it.

you could say that i was in college for more than 12 hours. its really tiring helping out while not having any sleep. accounts assesment was a failure. i couldnt do 2/3 questions. it was just too confusing for me. jasmine thought her boyfriend and i how to do the question. both of us were so confident and when we did the paper, both of us completely forgot how to do it. its like ... so fcking hard la! i couldnt even think straight and i almost fell asleep a couple of times. i was so tired!!

after classes, a few of us helped out in the restaurant. instead of getting paid, we are getting certs. its good either ways anyway. so yeah. helped to set up the restaurant for a buffet tomorrow morning. have to be there by 7am. meaning i have so little time to sleep. sigh. i feel so tired now but i just cant sleep. if i sleep now, i would most probably think unnessasary things. sigh. i dont want that. so i dont think i will sleep. i want it to go away. i want to be free from everything. i dont want this anymore.

rick.

sometimes it hard to let go. well, for me i dont think i can ever let go. i cant forget that easily. its just so hard for me to move on this time. previous relationships were so easy. this one is just hard.

i was talking to jasmine in college about her. i told her about how we met, how we lived, how we enjoyed ourself, how we go everywhere together and how much we loved each other. at times its makes me feel better talking about it, but most of the time it isnt. but at that time, it was a relief. i told her about she and i staying together. she knew what to say, she told me it was like being married. i told her exactly. i told her that thats the reason why its hard for me to let go. its just because we were too attached. there was like an invisible wedding ring on our fingers that tied us together. i cant really understand in what state im currently in. i dont think i will ever know. the feeling of me loving her is so deep. i just cant stop thinking of her night and day. anything that crosses my mind has to have her in it. everytime i sleep, its her i dream about.

well, i guess you would realise it when it is really gone and now its just too late to look back and regret actions. i wish that i was different and would make her happy all the time. i always thought that our relationship was the best there ever was and there was nothing to stop or ruin it. but along came another guy that impressed her more than i did. i feel so useless everytime i think of it. i cant do anything right in my life. even though there are millions of opportunities out there for me, but i just cant make it happen. i cant make things right. i failed one to many times and it isnt the best feeling in the world.

i will be helping out in college this few weeks. going to get paid and getting certificates for my portfolio in the future. thats all i need, a good portfolio for the future. better job opportunities.

one thing that always bugs my mind, can i ever love again? because i dont think i can. even though i feel like i can but deep inside, if i really dig deep enough to find out the real reason, i cant. i wouldnt want the same thing to happen twice to me again. its one feeling i wouldnt want to remember or do again. failures are just in me. it is like i have failure written all over me. i can never do anything right. i cant.

rick.

i didnt sleep last night. so that would be two nights in a row i did not sleep. if i keep this up, i might just make it to the guiness book of records! right....

8am, went to college to have breakfast with widad. after that, hanged in the library for awhile and went to kat's apartment nearby to finish up our F&B project. after spending several hours there, went back to college. sookie got all pissy because of eve. sigh. so she just poured it all to me. i just sat in the mamak and listened to her. i did give a few words of advice to her. its so hard to understand humans sometimes. in a way, you would want them to change for the better, but they dont. they go back to their old roots. like i always say, old habits doesnt die easily.

after listening to her, she ate her lunch. when she finished eating, we went to the library and widad was there. so all 3 of us were studying for our accounts test thats coming up real soon. i got such a big headache, i stopped and read the papers. heheh yeah, stress relieve. then i took a short nap at a cubicle. widad woke me up and asked what time was i suppose to go to have dinner with eve, johnson and nick. i was like, i dont know. so i called eve and asked her. after that, went to the college restaurant and we had our meal. appetizer was crepe filled with mushroom and shrimps. main course was duck and dessert was choux pastry. overall its good but the portion was just too little. after that, i went home. sending widad home on the way. we just talked and talked. especially about eve. hahaha bitch talk about her. oh well, she deserves it. i mean, her attitude is just so ... wrong. i've been trying to help her since i knew her problem. but it seems that shes just hard to change.

so yeah. now im back home. not tired at all. weird but true. i dont think i will be sleeping again tonight. i think its becoming a routine. i dont think i should continue this. bad for my health and also my studies. sigh.

someone once told me, "it is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character." some how i agree with that person. i mean, even though you try as hard as you can, its just too hard to change someone. you would want that person to be the best of who they are. even though they are not with you. thats what i wanted for her. i wanted her to prove to herself that shes a changed woman. but i guess im just useless. i cant even help myself, why should i help others? i asked that to someone and that someone told me, "maybe you'd feel better helping someone else other than yourself first." hey, maybe its true. i dont know. i just feel that i want to help as much as i can. but maybe my type of help isnt what they are looking for. maybe they just want something else i cant offer. well, i know for a fact that this guy right here, has nothing to offer. he is your average joe. but with bad emotional problems. thats it.

i just wish i was really normal. i wish i was an average joe. i wish i could change who i am. but who am i to say? i am who i am. God created me this way and i shall live life like this. make full use of everything i have in me. be positive i always say. but somehow i pull myself so low, i wouldnt even know what is positive anymore. sigh.

rick.

we just finished eating. they said it was good pasta. i agreed with them. sy gave me a 9/10! wow. heheh. it was penne pasta with tomato base sauce with pork. added my little extra ingredients inside and it taste damn good!! hehehe im proud of myself. education not wasted! =)

she messaged me on msn last night. well, 3am to be exact. i waited for her reply for so long. she didnt even reply. i waited till the sun came up. i didnt sleep last night and today i was suppose to serve 4 pax. somehow i managed to be awake and alert and did my part. everything i did today was ok. no complaints from the lecturer. so i guess its all good.

i came home, feeling awfully tired, went to pay the apartment bills. the lady was like, can you come back tomorrow? i was like, can you please give me an exception? she was like ok. hahaha in a way i just flirted with an indian. ewwww!! but at least i got what needs to be done. after that i came home, there was this guy who lives on the highest floor and was complaining that his roof is leaking because of leakage of the pipes and water storage area on the roof. so he was telling me if everyone said yes, he can get management to change the pipes and fix the problem. i just agreed and stood there listening to his babbling.

after that i came home, took of my shirt and died on the bed. it was like 5pm. woke up at 8pm because widad called for no known reason. 2 more people called but i dont know who they are. just unknown people on my phone. so yeah. i guess i was dead asleep then, it was like 6.30pm when they called. so yeah. when i woke up, i bathe and went straight to cooking dinner for the guys. they enjoyed the food. im glad. no complaints at all. i love it!! again, ill say that im proud of myself.

i've never realized that she's such an angry person. her msn nick is like anger all the way. when i was with her, she doesnt get mad easily. i guess she's changed. i dont know if its good or not but i just wish her all the best. i mean, she's still my ex. i still do care and love her. sigh. i loved her. but im willing to love her again. sigh.

tomorrow i have to get up early for breakfast with widad in college, then go to kat's place to finish up our F&B project and back to college to help out in the kitchen and dinner in college. sigh. i dont think i can make it through kitchen without fainting. these few days has been intense. sigh.

on the 28th and 29th, i would be in college helping out for a charity event. we will be making around 3000+ packages of food. the charity is for helping kids in east timor that has little food and shelter. when they showed us the video of the kids, it touched my heart. it really did. i mean, the normal necessities we have is like luxury to them. i always wanted to be involved in this kind of charity programs. so yeah. the whole thing is about 3000+ people will be fasting for 30 hours. after that we will go to the place and distribute the food packages. so thats that.

im so frigging tired but im not that sleepy. im so odd. i think i am going to die tomorrow. before i even reach college ill just fall dead on the ground of the way to to my car. heh. im dead.

i love my pasta. its good shit. mode was like saying we could make a business out of this. hey, come to think of it, i might just go for it. i mean ... i just got myself an oven last night and i can bake bread. can sell them for like 50 cents each. they taste them good! hehehe.

somehow, the feeling of me being down is always there. it just sticks in my head. when i am not doing anything ... i just feel so down. i dont know whats wrong with me. i just wished all of this feelings would just go away and leave me alone. i want to be happy again. i want to be loved again. i want to feel how is it like to be loved again. i want to feel how is it like to have the first kiss again. but my wishes never come true. every year i blow the candles out, make a wish, cut the cake. not even one wish has came true. so i guess i am just unlucky.

after college, i think i would migrate to somewhere far. i dont think i can handle the lifestyle here. i want a new environment that is totally new to me to adapt. i've been here and everyones been feeding me with the silver spoon. i just dont want that anymore. i want to start over a new life and be away from this place. no more memories, no more thoughts. just a new life.

rick.

dont you feel useless sometimes? dont you feel like you dont have a life? dont you feel like you've done something terribly wrong and you want to change it but you cant? dont you feel like theres just something terribly wrong with you? well, thats how i feel.

i seriously have no idea what im doing here. whats my purpose living on this earth. staying in this apartment. living the life im now. i just dont understand any of it. its so ... mind boggling.

went groceries shopping today. bought myself a cheap oven. going to cook again tomorrow. some chilli pasta thingy. not sure what is it. was in sy's cook book. so yeah. tuesday we're going to bake something and wednesday i have to buy sy and mode dinner because i lost a bet. damn. i thought it was a sure win. but i guess not.

its so late but somehow i dont feel sleepy at all. i've got to serve people tomorrow and yet im still being this way. i dont think i can ever get rid of this feeling of mine. this feeling i have every single night. i just want it. i want it all back. i love the feeling. i want the feeling. i need the feeling.

i adore her strengh when she says "i love him,nobody will come between us".

rick.

days like these i feel like killing myself. i mean, i dont feel like i have a goal in life anymore. just sitting here and wasting precious money. i feel like a useless wreck.

i feel so down right now. my head is like spinning like mad. i cant think straight. i can do anything right anymore. i miss her so badly. its been months since i've seen her and i want to see her so badly. i just miss her. her presence is so ... i dont know. she just makes me shine whenever shes around. shes just different from the rest. even though she did what she did in the past, i still love her. i still ... need her. her bad habits, priorities, lifestyle and such im willing to overcome. but its just too late now. i really dont know what to do anymore. somehow i cant take care of myself the way i did before. ever since i met her, my life changed. it changed to the extend that it made me think. i never really thought deep in my whole life and now i have, now i am.

its just really hard feeling this way everyday. i cant sleep, i always think about her day and night, and its just unbearable. i have to force myself to be tired every night so that i can fall straight into sleep without thinking. it has its pros and cons. the pros are that i can sleep and not think but the cons are that i would be very damn tired the next day. its just so hard for me to go on like this.

i somehow feel something is missing in my life. this empty hole that left me. this empty feeling thats in me. she is the puzzle that makes me whole. before meeting her, i was a big mess. just like when you first open a box of puzzles. ive been trying to fix this puzzle of mine but there is just one piece left i just cant find. when i met her, it was like i finally found the missing piece. she made me whole. she really did. now she being gone, im missing that piece and wanting it back. but this time, i really have to live with the fact that the missing piece will remain missing.

i give up.

rick.

may 12th just passed by like there was nothing to remember it by. i wanted to drop some flowers off but i thought twice. it would cause alot of confusion everywhere. so i didnt.

lifes been really taking over me. i couldnt even sleep last night. it was terrible. i didnt stop thinking ever since i laid down on the bed. thinking really breaks me down sometimes. i just fall deeper and deeper into this hole that i cant come out from. it is really frustrating. i would always have to try to make myself as tired as possible so that i can finally fall asleep. it sucks. yes it does.

ive lost all senses. i dont know whats wrong and whats right. i just tumble. i just fall.

rick.

you know, sometimes you just cant get that feeling out of yourself. it just digs deeper and deeper. deep enough to just make you feel so down you wouldnt even know what hit you. well, thats how i feel everyday. still. its been so hard to just move on. everyone tells me to move on. everyone tells me that its for my own good. everyone tells me to do this, do that. so yeah. i follow. well, followed. but i dont see any improvement in myself. i see none. everyday i look at myself in the mirror and its the same person. the same feeling. the same stupid boy that fucks up all the time.

i can say for a fact that nothing changed since then. im just the same self but just hiding the feelings inside this time. just hiding it from the world so it would just stop asking. it hurts so badly sometimes that i just break down and cry at night. last night was terrible. i was a mess. i cried and cried, just wanting the feeling to go away. but the longer i wait, the more i cried.

but no one could really see whats inside me. you see, its kind of hard just opening up to people. people i know, people i just knew, people that are complete strangers to me. i cant just, open up and tell them my life story and expect them to do something about it. i mean, they have their own problems to handle and take care off, why would i want to add "my" problems into theirs? thats what i call wrong. thats why i always try my best to keep it at a minimal and just dont let people get worried. i just disappear into darkness and get lost there. in my own little world i have. its not much, but its the safest place i can go. i hate myself for losing control.

i dreamt of kissing her earlier and it was breath taking. i loved the feeling. holding her close to me was just so ... surreal. sigh. but i know nothing like that would ever happen.

rick.

i've been so emo these past few days. how annoying can i be?

class was ok today. we had pastry. we made almond peach tart. well, actually we made two, but the first one fell on samir's shoe. so we called it shoe(choux) pastry =P only people that baked before would get the joke. so yeah. i brought home the other tart as we didnt serve the guest.

after class, talked to a few of my classmate. really bonded with kat though. shes like telling me about her wedding and her gowns and all. its so cool that shes gonna get married. so happy for her! =) so yeah. after that i went home and took a nice nap. so many people was messaging me on msn and the sound woke me up. so yeah. widad asked me to join her in the library to study together. so yeah, went to college and did some work. was about 6.30pm when i reached. so we studied until 9pm because the library closed. hahaha so yeah. we walked round and round the college like crazy little people. it was fun just talking about random stuff. so yeah. shes a great person. other than that, eve was in the kitchen helping out. didnt say hi though. could feel the vibe of like ignorance. so yeah. after that i came home. offered my mates some tarts and here im. bored. =)

i hate wednesdays. the start of lectures throughout the week. sigh

rick.

everyday everyones lives changes. each and every second they do things that would change their lives. always trying to prove the best they can ever be. but no one actually knows if the outcome is good or bad. its just hard to predict what may come in the future. all of us try and try, its a continuous job each and everyone of us do each day. we try.

something may be wrong with me, but im just someone who is so lost in this world. so is half of the population of the earth. everyone asks themselves what are they actually doing here. just to live and die? just to make reputation and one day just pass away? none of us know the answers. all of us may live different lives but all of us ask the same question. why? only God can answer that question.

life is so complicated. i cant even find a solution to a simple equation. i always fail. i never succeed in what i do. everything around me just pulls me down. even though encouragement comes, it still is negative to me. nothing in life comes easy. we all know that. but what would it be like if all of us just live simple lives? just like the movies. what beautiful love stories with endless love and the perfect ending. all of us wants that, but the truth is, we cant. none of us can get that perfect ending we all see in the movies. our lives change rapidly. we meet new people, we see new worlds, we explore acres of land, we climb higher peaks, we strive to live.

i, just dont know what is in it for me. i thought i knew when i was with her. but i was wrong. none of us can plan for the future. all of us want that perfect future with that special someone. but hey, this isnt the movies. this is life. its reality.

each day i live life like there isnt any tomorrow. with that, i just be myself. change for the better. strive for any achivement i can get. independence is a must. but somehow, i live life with sadness in it. what was broken, is still is. its been months and months. i still feel this way. its so hard just to accept the facts of life. that everyone goes through it. but somehow, im still stuck here in this rabbit hole. i plummet into one full of joy and came out the opposite. because of that, i cant let go of that rabbit hole. i still want to go back to that specific rabbit hole to feel the happiness i did before. but what is done, is done. the rabbit hole that i was once in is now covered. it has moved to a new hole and i just stand on top of the old one just waiting.

rick.

/edit 4.15am

there is still one thing i regret till this day. i think of it everyday. it was something that i was helpless in. i couldnt do anything. i felt so useless. i was in kk. i still feel it till this day. it was the worst thing a guy could have ever done. i cant express how fucked im feeling right now. i just cant. nor will i tell anyone what this is all about. so please dont ask. this was the worst mistake i ever made. u could say for my whole 19 years of being me, this is the worst. i just act on the outside that everything is fine and its no big deal, but inside, it hurts. it hurts me so badly.

i dont think i can take any of this anymore. i just cant. fucked up, all of this is. because of this, i cant sleep. i cant shut my eyes without thinking about this feeling and image. it just sticks for life. i hate me. i fucking hate me. i regret every single thing in life. i shouldnt have come to kl.

sometimes people plan for their future. they plan for their happy endings. just to make them feel better about themself. ive been doing that since forever. always planning out every single thing i do in life, yet everything doesnt go my way. it always takes another route. i just dont know why this is happening. maybe it just faith that controls all of us. i didnt believe in faith, but maybe i should start now.

everyone thinks its destiny to meet someone, is it true? i do not know. a classmate and i have the same problem. but hers has nothing to do with mine. somehow we just feel the same way. all the anger, pain and hatred. its so hard as we inflict pain towards ourselves. the other day she showed me what she used to cut herself, it was a sharks tooth. i asked her to throw it away as it only makes u want to do it more, the next day she told me she did. amazing what little words can do. but thats for her, whats me? im still here, hearts almost done recovering but heck, i might just fall flat on my face again soon.

friends are such wonderful gifts. they come in a bunch, never alone. they would do anything u could ever wish for. but taking them for granted would just spoil any friendship. sigh. what am i talking about?

lately things have been going into my head. i've been lovestrucked, or have i? i dont know. everything around me just pulls me. its bad but what the hell ... ive got to handle everything by myself now. sigh. thats what growing up is all about. making money is not easy, that i can say for a fact and stand my ground on it.

lifes been ok to me lately ... no more suicidal thoughts. im still ok. holding on to myself as far as i know. =)

rick.

phew, im so damn tired. 8 hours of non stop serving and etc etc. it was intense. the whole time we didnt even sit down. its all work work work. no break no nothing. well, thats working life for u.

it was a chinese wedding. a banquet. a 9 course meal. had to stand up the whole time. running up and down to get the food, cleaning the plates, sending the plates into the stewarding area. oh my gawd. it was really intense. but overall its a good experience for me.

i didnt know so many people from college knew me. one girl was like, so your derrick. i was like huh? say what? so yeah. made lots of new friends today. from hotel management, other colleges, stamford especially and permanant part timers. rather interesting. more job opportunities to come! heh.

im so frigging tired!! arghhh........gonna sleep soon.
finish up my assignment tomorrow!! must must must!! hehehe.

rick.

yesterday was kinda ok. had like on and off pissy moods but it ended up ok.

i stayed back in college till 9.30pm. helped widad with her international student society club. no one seems interested to join the club. hehehe. so yeah. it was orientation night for the new batch students. i got a free bag too, ive got a new sim pack! hahaha wasted rm2.00 on sy and mode. hahahaha. oh well. after everything, i sent widad home and headed home.

last night was kinda ok i guess. had fun just playing games with sy and mode. hahaha they are hilarious!! imagine all of us shouting our lungs out saying "OPEN PORTAL OPEN PORTAL" "ARGHHHHHHHH" "FUCKER!! STEAL MY ITEM!!" hahahaha so yeah. its all goood.

anyways .. ive got tons of work to do this weekend. i hope im not too tired from my marriot job later. well ... gtg. bubye.

rick.

i broke down. all of a sudden. with a cause. because if something i would not wish to disclose. i broke down so badly. so so badly. i cried my eyes out. its only 10pm. its just so wrong. i punched the wall. it helped a bit. im so tempted to take the knife and slit my wrist. i know its just a silly breakup. but thats one thing i cant handle.

i had my blood donated today. so i have a hole in my veins. why dont i just juse the knife and dig the veins out. sigh.

i dont have a purpose here. i really dont. sigh.

i dont want to live anymore. i fucking hate this feeling. its like im back in square one again. only this time i've lived with the fact that shes with someone else. what i cant live with is that ... sigh.

i hate this. im fucking drowning my sorrows in tears. i finally know how it feels like breaking down all of a sudden. it sucks. trust me. it really does. dont break down. just dont. this would most probably be my last post if i slit myself. bye bye world. bye bye life. bye bye friends. bye bye family.

rick.

i still cant believe i lost 2-3 kgs. sigh.

today has been a very boring day. probably a dead day. classes were ok. same shit, different day. so yeah. nothing interesting today. sarah went back to kk. which made the apartment kinda slow moving. dont know why but it just feels that way. everyone feels it too. sigh.

every single day i still cant stop thinking about her. if she came over now, i dont know, but i would still accept her for who she is. maybe cause she was just taking care of herself. i do not know. something is just wrong with me. day by day, im slowly erasing her from my life. just block it all out. but how could i do it when i dream about her when im sleeping in class? it really kills me. i know shes moved on. i know she doesnt want me anymore. but why do i still hold on? why wont i just let go of the past? maybe because it was a damn good past in the beginning. one part of me wants to let go, yet the other half doesnt want to. it could be just the comfort i have when im with her. well, at least i know one side of the party is happy.

was in a pissy mood this morning. but it ended just after i left college. assignments are piling up. i dont think i can handle all this stress everyones giving me. classmates, friends, family, etc.

may 12th. how could i ever forget. singapore. how could i ever forget that. sigh.

rick.

woke up around 11am this morning. early phone call from eve, asking me what time is our lunch. i told her its up to her and she set it to 12.30pm. so yeah. after having lunch, we went to sunway piramid to do a little shopping, but instead we just walked around aimlessly being so bored and all. after that i sent her to college and i picked sy up and went home. eve just wanted a ride to college. i knew her intention all along. oh well. girls and their demonic ways.

so yeah. after reaching home, played a few games with the gang and then went to one u to do some shopping. was kinda fun. walked here, walked there. the only person who bought stuff was sarah. so yeah. the 3 guys just followed and stared. we had BK for dinner. our own little fun outside BK. hehehe. after that we went home and here im!

sigh. everytime i go somewhere, i always look behind my shoulder. why? because im afraid i might see her. the problem is i cant. if i do, i would definately see someone else. so yeah. i cant handle that right now. so thats why im very cautious. but that feeling sucks most definately. im such a pathetic little kid that cant get over some silly relationship. oh well, at least it ended before it got worse. i still think of it on and off. i hope this would be my last time being this way. all the way now i want is improvement. =)

my next girlfriend, im bringing her to bukit tinggi and sekeping serendah =)
its going to be good. i talked to the owner of sekeping serendah and he said he could lower down the price for me if i go off peak months. wicked? yeahhh!!

anyways. off i go. cant sleep now. tv tv.

rick.

had a minor hang over this afternoon. but it was all good. woke up, called dayze and we went to ikea. we bought some random stuff in ikea. i bought a frame for my sketch. will put it up soon i guess. after that we had a light dinner in MFM (manhattan fish market) and just chit chat. after that we went back to the apartment. watched a lil tv and sent her back to cyberia. her apartment was nice. a very spacious one. every block has their own pool! how cool is that. it even comes equip with basketball and tennis courts. wicked huh?

so yeah. after sending dayze home, i went back and the whole apartment went to celebrate jaiv's birthday. we had it in char chan teng. he got this huge ass tea cup that was free because it was his birthday. i would post a pic but my phone doesnt have a cable. it was kinda funny when the waiter said that he had to take the huge ass cup back. jaiv downed whats left of the drink and puked it all out the next minute! hahaha was really funny! healthy way of getting wasted. getting wasted without alcohol! yeah! rock on.

after that we went to play games in a cyber cafe. rather interesting i guess. so yeah. after a game we left. everyone then went home.

so yeah. i still think of it sometimes. i really do. i still think of her sometimes. i really do. i think of how i was cheated and lied to. so many times. i think of what fun both of them are having. i think the happy times i had with her she would have with him. i think both of them would have a good future together. i think i would stay myself. i think i should stop. i think i should move on.

rick.

today was good. went to kl with a bunch of my friends. that took my mind of things completely. well, not completely but almost there. after doing some walking around, we planned for the night. which i suggested we go clubbing.

so we went to thai club. which was boring at first but got interesting after awhile. we danced the night away. there was this one hot chick that just kept staring at me. unfortunately i got shy and didnt do shit about it. oh well. theres always next weekend. i really missed the clubbing scene. i used to go so clubbing often back then. now, its back to my normal routine. i totally love clubbing. dancing, dancing and more dancing. i even danced with some hot chick. it was all goood. lotsa body rubbing!! =)

anyhooo ... i guess i should go to bed, probably get a bad hang over from the amount of liquer i drank. but ill survive! =) its all good. i should go clubbing more often. now thats a cure for my pain and sadness! thats what i should do! i found my cure! clubbing! i like.

get a cup of hot drink then ill sleep. oh ... and shower too. i usually K.O on my bed after clubbing but tonight is a night to remember! hehehe. its goooooooooood shit! even met up with my old classmate from highschool. my long lost cute ass bro! he rocks. met alot of new friends today. got numbers and etc. see how everything goes from here. its a new start. im living it now.

rick.